The Panic Attack That is My Life.

Dear Kelly,
I had something today. I don't know if it was an anxiety attack or panic attack, or if there is even a difference, but I think I had one.
I was hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably and I wouldn't let Charles come into the room because I didn't want him to see me like that. Keep in mind, he's seen me waking up sick with no make up on.

My new life as grown-up Alee is scaring the shit out of me right now.

Mom might have cancer.


She has this thing called Dysplasia, cervical dysplatia. It means she has precancerous cells. They won't know if anything has developed into cancer until they do more tests. She has to get a hysterectomy. They said she needs it as soon as possible, which means she will be going into surgery sometime within the next few weeks.


Needless to say, I am terrified. I know that realistically it is highly probable she will be absolutely fine. I also know what it feels like to lose a parent pretty young. I know what it feels like to see them hooked up to machines that sustain their life like something out of an episode of the Twilight Zone. I know what it feels like to regret not spending more time with someone doing important things like learning life lessons and asking them questions about themselves and their past and what they want from their future. And I know what it feels like to miss the little things.

I'm so scared about that.
I am so scared.
I feel weak.

Dad's birthday would have been two days ago. Grandma and Tisha wanted to get together, but I had to work.

Speaking of work, I hate my job, Kelly. I feel weird. I am the weird, poor white girl that nobody understands or even cares to understand. I'm strange. They kind of poke fun at me for my strangeness.
I had the worst day at work I have ever had today.

Aftrwards, two of my managers brought me into the office. One manager I love, one I fucking hate.

Manager I Hate [Feigning genuine concern]:
We wanted to ask you what was going on, because you've been distracted.

Me [On the verge of tears and breaking down]:
Well, I've been really stressed lately... My Dad's birthday would have been recently, and since he died, his family has tried to get together for lunch on his birthday every year, and I couldn't because I had to work. And... Well, my Mom might have cancer, and she has to get a hysterectomy, and my brother is looking for a new job, and it's really just alot of family stress...

Manager I Hate:
Well, I know you've been realy stressed out and everything, I mean life is hard, my Mom is dying right now too, but you know, I have to leave those issues at the door. Because, this is my job and I can't be distracted. I mean, blahblahblahblah...

Manager I Actually Like [Who seems genuinely concerned for my well being]:
Alee, I know things are hard right now. It's obvious you're under alot of stress but Jose is right. I know Saturdays are crazy, but it's always like this. I noticed that when you get flustered you panic, and we need someone who can handle that and not panic. And you know, if you feel like this is something you just cant do then we can talk about it and take it from there. This is just a verbal warning, but we really need you to work on it. If you don't, next time I'll have to write it up. I'm not trying to be mean or anything-


What I wanted to say at this point:
You're right! I'm just not cut out for this. I am having a very hard time with this, and it is affecting my performance at work, and I apologize because it shouldn't, but I am still hurting really badly from losing my Dad and his birthday has brought up alot of those emotions, and I hate this job because most of you guys treat me like dirt, and some of you are just plain dumb, and none of you care about anybody's problems but your own, and it's hard when you have nowhere you can really let out what you're feeling because you have to be strong for your little brother and your crazy Mom, and this is just NOT working out for me. I need to leave.

What I had to say for the sake of keeping the job I need:
Yes, I know. You're right, I shouldn't be distracted and you shouldn't have to do my job for me because you guys can't afford to, and I'll work on it. I'll improve. But thank you for talking to me and letting me know.

Which is sort of true.

But I want to quit and get a job where I have something in common with the people I work with. Where they don't make fun of the music I like or the clothes I like or anything. I cannot afford to quit. We need money and as little stress as possible right now. I need to pay rent. I need to be strong for my family because they have bigger things to worry about than whether I am depressed or not.

Oh, and her and Will had this big thing I won't go into, but they're rocky. They are the foundation of our strange little family unit and even that isn't solid right now.

I feel like I just jumped off the edge of something elevated and I'm waiting to see if I'll hit the ground and die or land on something soft and live. This sucks.

I'm feeling so much and I can't stop thinking about Mom ending up in a hospital like Dad and about how different everything is without him and about how I am still hurting even though I don't think I should still be hurting this much.

Right now I am at Agora with Charles and Julian and feeling better, but I don't know how long this will last. Tomorrow I have to go back to work, and since it's Sunday, I have to work open to close, 10-6.

I feel like one of those scarves you and Justin got, the ones you buy preknit. Like I was okay, and I was all knitted in place and dyed how I like, and now somebody is unraveling me slowly, but I'm not sure if they're going to reknit me or just leave me a yarny mess. :(

We need to hang out soon. And I need a hug. I know you're not keen on hugs, but I really need one.