The Panic Attack That is My Life.

Dear Kelly,
I had something today. I don't know if it was an anxiety attack or panic attack, or if there is even a difference, but I think I had one.
I was hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably and I wouldn't let Charles come into the room because I didn't want him to see me like that. Keep in mind, he's seen me waking up sick with no make up on.

My new life as grown-up Alee is scaring the shit out of me right now.

Mom might have cancer.


She has this thing called Dysplasia, cervical dysplatia. It means she has precancerous cells. They won't know if anything has developed into cancer until they do more tests. She has to get a hysterectomy. They said she needs it as soon as possible, which means she will be going into surgery sometime within the next few weeks.


Needless to say, I am terrified. I know that realistically it is highly probable she will be absolutely fine. I also know what it feels like to lose a parent pretty young. I know what it feels like to see them hooked up to machines that sustain their life like something out of an episode of the Twilight Zone. I know what it feels like to regret not spending more time with someone doing important things like learning life lessons and asking them questions about themselves and their past and what they want from their future. And I know what it feels like to miss the little things.

I'm so scared about that.
I am so scared.
I feel weak.

Dad's birthday would have been two days ago. Grandma and Tisha wanted to get together, but I had to work.

Speaking of work, I hate my job, Kelly. I feel weird. I am the weird, poor white girl that nobody understands or even cares to understand. I'm strange. They kind of poke fun at me for my strangeness.
I had the worst day at work I have ever had today.

Aftrwards, two of my managers brought me into the office. One manager I love, one I fucking hate.

Manager I Hate [Feigning genuine concern]:
We wanted to ask you what was going on, because you've been distracted.

Me [On the verge of tears and breaking down]:
Well, I've been really stressed lately... My Dad's birthday would have been recently, and since he died, his family has tried to get together for lunch on his birthday every year, and I couldn't because I had to work. And... Well, my Mom might have cancer, and she has to get a hysterectomy, and my brother is looking for a new job, and it's really just alot of family stress...

Manager I Hate:
Well, I know you've been realy stressed out and everything, I mean life is hard, my Mom is dying right now too, but you know, I have to leave those issues at the door. Because, this is my job and I can't be distracted. I mean, blahblahblahblah...

Manager I Actually Like [Who seems genuinely concerned for my well being]:
Alee, I know things are hard right now. It's obvious you're under alot of stress but Jose is right. I know Saturdays are crazy, but it's always like this. I noticed that when you get flustered you panic, and we need someone who can handle that and not panic. And you know, if you feel like this is something you just cant do then we can talk about it and take it from there. This is just a verbal warning, but we really need you to work on it. If you don't, next time I'll have to write it up. I'm not trying to be mean or anything-


What I wanted to say at this point:
You're right! I'm just not cut out for this. I am having a very hard time with this, and it is affecting my performance at work, and I apologize because it shouldn't, but I am still hurting really badly from losing my Dad and his birthday has brought up alot of those emotions, and I hate this job because most of you guys treat me like dirt, and some of you are just plain dumb, and none of you care about anybody's problems but your own, and it's hard when you have nowhere you can really let out what you're feeling because you have to be strong for your little brother and your crazy Mom, and this is just NOT working out for me. I need to leave.

What I had to say for the sake of keeping the job I need:
Yes, I know. You're right, I shouldn't be distracted and you shouldn't have to do my job for me because you guys can't afford to, and I'll work on it. I'll improve. But thank you for talking to me and letting me know.

Which is sort of true.

But I want to quit and get a job where I have something in common with the people I work with. Where they don't make fun of the music I like or the clothes I like or anything. I cannot afford to quit. We need money and as little stress as possible right now. I need to pay rent. I need to be strong for my family because they have bigger things to worry about than whether I am depressed or not.

Oh, and her and Will had this big thing I won't go into, but they're rocky. They are the foundation of our strange little family unit and even that isn't solid right now.

I feel like I just jumped off the edge of something elevated and I'm waiting to see if I'll hit the ground and die or land on something soft and live. This sucks.

I'm feeling so much and I can't stop thinking about Mom ending up in a hospital like Dad and about how different everything is without him and about how I am still hurting even though I don't think I should still be hurting this much.

Right now I am at Agora with Charles and Julian and feeling better, but I don't know how long this will last. Tomorrow I have to go back to work, and since it's Sunday, I have to work open to close, 10-6.

I feel like one of those scarves you and Justin got, the ones you buy preknit. Like I was okay, and I was all knitted in place and dyed how I like, and now somebody is unraveling me slowly, but I'm not sure if they're going to reknit me or just leave me a yarny mess. :(

We need to hang out soon. And I need a hug. I know you're not keen on hugs, but I really need one.

are you still alive?

Hello elusive Alee,

I haven't seen you in a long time. Well. I guess I saw you last month just before Justin abandoned us.

Since I haven't seen you in forever I thought I would give you a gift.

The gift of photography.

My mom took that picture of the cat desperately trying to teleport himself outside so he could eat the baby bird and its mother.

He's yawning, but it looks like eating.

We met this coyote one early morning in Yellowstone. He stared at us for a while before he decided we were no threat, peed, and sauntered off.

I feel like the next two need no explanation.

I was really looking for wolves, but I got a few good shots of far away trees instead.

My sister and I would like jewelry based on this:

You get on that, okay?

I don't know why, but I just like this next picture.

And this one:

Finally, I knitted this, and I wear it a lot, and you should absolutely be jealous:

We should get together soon.

Kelly

A Whirlwind of Updates!

Kelly,

Sorry it's taken me so long to finally get back to you. My life has been positively insane.
Okay, so.
I'm just going to tell you the story of how my life took yet another turn for the crazy.
Well, as I told you, (at least, I think I did... my bad if not) I am taking a break from school. I'm not going to do Summer classes like my Grandmother wanted and I don't think I'm going back in the Fall. I want to take about a year to get a good job and a place of my own.
When I told Grandma this, she got very upset. She disagrees with my decision and therefore (her words, not mine) cannot support it. So, she cut me off. This was on the 10th of last month.
She wrote me on Facebook telling me that she'd cut off my phone and that she'd no longer be paying rent for me or putting money in my card.
She also wrote to say that rent was due on the 15th, so I had to either pay up or get out, all in a matter of five days.
I freaked out, and was at the Family's house (which is now actually aot closer to me than before, which I am loving) thinking I'd be homeless in about 5 days, and Mom was freaking out because they didn't think there would be enough space for me in the new place (it's kinda teeny and cramped).
But we talked about it and looked at Julian's room and figured out that there may be a tiny bit of space after all.
Turns out Grandma ended up paying the last month's rent because she realized that Dee needs a warning and she didn't want either of us to go through the reprocussions of that. So, I have more time to find a job and get out (I can't live with Dee anymore because I will not be a student, but I also don't want to, so this kind of works out in an odd way...).
So, I've been trying to jobhunt and get my room in order and stuff ready for packing, and I'm also takin this oppertuity to get rid of a bunch of my crap. I've realized I have hoarding tendencies that I need to nip at the bud.
*WHEW.*

So that's basically the tornado that currently is my life for ya.
I'm alright, and I have enough people offering to shove their boots where the sun don't shine, but thanks for the motivation, it does help.

How are you?
Random sidenote, I saw your profile pic with stalker number 2. NUMBER 2, and HE gets a profile pic with you before NUMBER ONE??
I've decided we need to have a photo adventure sometime soon.
Because I miss you.
...And I want a profile pic with you...

Lurve yeew.
-Alee

Okay. Fine.

Alee,

I am having a terrible day. Terrible. I cried in Mrs. Joyce's room. In front of her students. Some of whom I teach. Now they know that I have emotions. This is not good.

But you're right. I need to wear the ampersands more often. I'm wearing the scissors right now, just like I do every day, but I haven't worn the ampersands in months. I've been wearing the little gold sand dollars instead.

I also bought a giant octopus necklace with keys hanging from its tentacles. It pretty much rocks. I like jewelry. We should go jewelry shopping.

I've been to the crazy light place from which your picture was taken. It was weird. And Silent. No one else was there, and it was almost creepy. Except that it was so light that the creepiness dissipated. Creepiness dissipated. Interesting idea. Usually creepiness creeps and hovers and suffocates. But there the creepiness dissipates.

Okay. I've written. I know it's been a while. Sorry.

Happy now?
Kelly

Dear Kelly Arbuckle, you're Golden.

Dear Kelly,

I was thinking of jewelry last night before I fell asleep, and I've come to a conclusion;

I believe there's not a whole lot of pairings I like more than your little golden Ampersand earrings and little golden Scissor necklace. You should take a picture. That would be lovely.

Oh, and it's your turn, in case you've forgotten. I don't care what you write, Lady, just write something!

[This photo is unrelated, but neat.]

[Oh, and I did not take it because I was too busy taking one of my own with my phone.]

[My friend Matthew Marand took this of me.]

[Also, it's in the Dan Flavin gallery.]

[Which is basically a branch of the Menil.]

I'm Still Writing.

At least, I am trying to.

I wrote four poems tonight. I wanted to share them somewhere, but at first, I didn't know where.

Then I thought of you.

And the blog. Well, when we first started the blog. That funny text conversation that led up to it.

I miss you.

And I thought maybe you'd like for me to pop in and try and keep you abreast of my life.

Well, this is my life at this exact night, these are the thoughts I felt someone needed to hear.

Or maybe that I needed for someone to hear.

Four Poems from January 7th, 2010.

At the corner of Overlook and Misleading

I walk along the street in the cracks of the concrete and I go marching down that lane al on my own. I walk down and inside and along these cracks onto which the likes of you dare not venture, my friend.

Spelling is an error only the blind man makes?
What kind of mockery is this?

Cracks in the beauty

Or beauty in the cracks?

They are broken like the souls of the people of the city who tread upon it.

They being these concrete paths slabs of self rightousness and survival of the fittest…

Or natural predisposition.

(Or supernatural at that.)

Beauty in all that stands beneath us?

What kind of trickery have you, strange fool?

Beauty in the cracks that surround us!

Beauty in the cracks we let ourselves fall into/1

That we’re drawn into.

That we climb into!

The beautiful caverns in which we immerse ourselves

And better yet

Our souls, my friends.

A Mean Case of the Ons and Offs

We are all here at once in this very place.

This rickety place it shakes

And turns

And roars past.

This tricky, odd place

Of ons ad offs.

That is our ride. We are schedules

Full of ons

And offs.

And we ride at rest

Or in panic

Or hurry.

Sometimes, we ride in a daze.

Sometimes still, we are not inside,

But rather,

It is our vehicle that surrounds us.

We are flying over the pavement and everything is a bright blur while

We

Soar.

Soar to a

Stop

…And the rest of us,

on to the next.

We are ons.

And we are offs.

They write stories about capturing moments like our love is.

Memories like a double exposure

On a darkened plane

With nothing but the night sky

Beneath

The rising sun in the rearview.

Silver spoons and Golden combs

Misty shores and brush fires

You are, in this picture of mine,

A prince

In a red Cadillac from the 50’s

With aviators

And wind-brushed hair

And Golden California skin

With warm wooden fireplace eyes

And a smile sex on the beach brings.

Music in your love

Wind all over our bodies

Sun in our hearts and behind

Our eyes

They meet

And for a moment

If just

A moment…

We are the sun setting and the click of the shutter

And the wind gliding over the ocean and the hood

And the sun glinting off of a pair

A pair

Of sunglasses.

They write stories about capturing moments like our love is.

We Can’t Afford Not to Be Our Own Gods

Flights of stairs

Flights of fancy

Flights of stares

And fares

And dares.

We arrive

In glitter

And we are

Gilded

With golden chocolate.

They devour us

Sliver

By sliver.

We relish their teeth

We crave their tongues

We need their thirst

Their longing

Their souls.

We fight to be devoured

Because here and now

Everyone wants to be devoured

In a manner most becoming of anything

New

And undone

Before.

We come undone at them clawing us apart at the seams

Yet we throw ourselves

At the slobbering jowls of the beasts.

Opening My Mouth...

Dear Kelly,

I am not in a good place. I feel so entirely fucked up right now, it's really hard for me to even consider a starting point. I have nof rame of reference for anything anymore. I am full of feelings. Sooo many feelings. So much of it. All at once. And right now, what I am feeling is not good at all.

I don't know how to start. But this is me trying. Bear with me.

I almost hate doing this. I have tried to write this so many times and the words never come out right, but maybe that's part of the problem. I just give up before even trying to put it all down because I feel it's wrong. So wrong.

I feel selfish for writing this. I feel selfish for what I am about to do because let's face it, it IS selfish.

I should ask for help. I guess that is what I am trying to do. Reach out. To someone.

But let's face it, I've fucked everything up. I've been so self destructive and I've pushed so many people so very far away. I've pushed MYSELF away. I don't know why. I don't know how to explain it. I need to think more about it or maybe write more about it or at least try. I don't know anymore. I don't know WHAT is good for me.

Look, I want to apologize. Above all else I feel everyone I know deserves a big gigantic apology from me for my behavior... for all of the shit I have put them through.

You especially. Jesus. I didn't even know you were graduating, and I wanted to be there and have a special gift all made (and not lost in the disaster zone I call a room...). And I didn't even know. And now it's come and gone. And we don't talk anymore and it has been my turn to write in here for the longest time, but I have not written anything. Nothing!

I've tried to write this, or something like this, but everytime I finish I get to the "submit" button and chicken out... I am so afraid I'll do that again this time...

I'm promising right here and now that I will at least hit enter. I mean... No. No, I won't delete it afterwards either. I am just going to let this stay.

But like I said I feel so god damned selfish. And I am. Jesus.

I have been so down and it's awful... Mainly because when I get like this, this upset or bad or self destructive or whatever, I feel like I should call someone. but then I think of who I could call, someone who I can talk to, who wouldn't feel burdened, but everyone I know that fits this description is mad at me... At least, I see it that way. I'm afraid that even the people I know I should be able to call wouldn't want to hear it. And even if they did, it would be a pity thing. And I don't want anybody to feel like I'm guilt tripping them or unloading on them or using them as a tissue or whatever.

Jesus. Like I said, I don't know what I want because I have to fucking frame of reference. I don't even know how this happened... I guess it was alot of things all at once. Maybe that and a mix of things I had put off or just bottled up. But God... I wish I knew what it was I was really trying to say. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. And I hate this.

I've been getting these really strong, really terrible urges lately and they won't stop. No matter how much I try to distract myself or try to do things to cheer myself up or avoid it... It always comes back. Late at night, alone in my bed. This feeling begins in the pit of my stomach and eats away at me. It feels like an emotional ulser. Fuck...

I'm in a bad place. I've dug myself into this hole and maybe it's time I start calling for help. Maybe it's time I swallow my pride and my fears and just open my throat and let something out...

I don't know. I wouldn't blame anyone if they just let me stay down here for the rest of my life. And in a way, I feel like I dug the hole, I should be the one to get me out... You know? I mean, what right do I have to even think about asking for help? That's so stupid! I'm nineteen for God's sake. I should be able to fix this.

But I'm afraid. I don't know if I can trust myself anymore.

I hate this.

I wish I had something better to write, I wish I could write wonderful happy congrats things about your graduation and whatnot, but it it so hard to see those things right now. That's so selfish, I know. Yes. I am repeating myself.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to say.

Here I am. Opening my mouth and praying to I don't know what that whatever noise comes out is loud enough and audible enough to make SOMETHING happen...

Something...

I love you so much. I miss you. I'm sorry.

-Alee